Vampires suck.

Yes I made that pun up. Totally by myself.

I hate vampires. I don’t mean just the Twilight-y mopey vampires. Hating them would be redundant. It would be like saying something over again unnecessarily. Or repeating it a lot. I hate vampires. Trash talking the Twilight-y vampires is too easy of a target. I mean they aren’t really even vampires any way. Vampires don’t sparkle. And Vampires shouldn’t be hundred year old dudes hanging out in high schools. And they shouldn’t be all passive aggressive rape-y. And they sure as hell don’t play baseball.

I had heard about how bad Twilight was before I watched the movie but no one told me about the baseball scene. No one told me!!!!!

more like whore-er, amirite???

The horror...

No, regardless of how bad Twilight vampires are, they aren’t why I hate vampires.  I even hate old school Dracula-style vampires.

old school

old school

I think the main reason is they talk too damn much. They are always getting chatty and being mysterious and shit, trying to seduce women or some bullshit.  Here’s an idea, why don’t you just kill some people, already?

People say, “oh they are all sexy and broody.” Well, that’s nice. However, if I want something sexy  I’ll look at something sexy. Sexy vampires are all the rage. If you do an image search on google for vampire, what you mostly get are pictures of sexy vampire women. You know what else is sexy? Sexy women. And if I want broody? Then I’ll just look at myself in the mirror…

Another reason I hate vampires is that they have too damn many powers and too damn many rules. A vampire can turn into a bat. Or it can turn into a wolf. Or mist. But they can’t cross running water. Or come out at night. Or come into your house without being invited. Or have a reflection. But they don’t like crosses. Or garlic. And they can be killed by a wooden stake through the heart. Or sometimes you have to cut its head off. And sometimes it doesn’t like silver. Or mirrors sometimes.

Which is another problem: no one agrees on what their rules are or powers are. Pretty much every other monster is simple: Zombies eat people. You kill them by shooting them in the head, and if you get bitten you become one. Werewolves are killed by silver and change during the full moon. Mummies are dead Egyptian dudes who shamble around. But vampires? Who the fuck knows? The rules are always different.

Even the most famous vampire cliché points to why vampires are terrible. When someone does a vampire imitation, what do they say? “I want to suck your blood.” Well that’s nice. I want a million dollars. Or just a job. Here’s an idea, instead of talking about what you want to do, why don’t you just do it???

And let’s think about it, who is the vampire saying that to? The person whose blood is desired. So the vampire, instead of just sucking the person’s blood, is telling the person what the vampire is going to do? That’s some stereotypical James Bond villain shit, right there.

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