George Lucas is the Devil

Dear George,

We’ve been through so much together, you and me and all my money, haven’t we? I’ve been needing to talk to you for so long, but you’ve been so busy for the past 10 years making those ‘movies’ and counting all of my money (do you still swim naked through your vault like you loved to do?) and I got caught up with puberty and finding college kids to buy me alcohol and light petting and it just never seemed like the right time. Maybe if I had been braver, came to you with my concerns when they first arose we wouldn’t be at this point. So, for that, I blame myself… but then again, we’ve never been too good at really talking to one another, have we? It’s all seemed so one sided… I always felt so in the dark, listening to you telling those same damn stories I found so charming in the beginning.

The good ole days 

I began to get worried way back in 83 with Return of the Jedi… Empire was so good and Reagan was in office and we were all flying high on love and the bull market. You knew the expectations were high, but you were so confident and sure of yourself that I fell under your spell for a third time. And you know what, George Lucas? You did it. You made sure no one could ever make fun of your flannel again.  The movie was great – critically acclaimed, moving, compassionate, lots of shit blowing up – I couldn’t have asked for more.  Looking back, the signs were there, but I just ignored them.

Yes. Fuck yes.

No.  Just No.

And here, George Lucas, is where we both know the cracks started to appear.  You had more money than god and were pitching a perfect game and thought you could do no wrong.  If only you would’ve talked to me first…


As the technology kept getting more advanced you let your imagination run wild. I stood by your side the whole time, George Lucas. Remember when you wanted to print some more money and remade the trilogy? I was right there with you and sat through them all again, feeling like we were making our way back to where we once were. Even though you tried to gay-up Han Solo, I just let it slide.



And things were good for a time – I hit a rough patch and had to sell all of my figures to pay for my first year of school, but I still had you, and you had my money and it was like 1977 all over again.

But let me get down to brass tax here, George Lucas — things didn’t last. The build-up to the prequels was unfathomable, but all you had to do was tell the same story in the same way, and everything would have been ok.  All you had to do George Lucas, was flash some lightsabers, cut up some aliens and show some shit levitating. With all your money and technology you could have accomplished absolutely anything, George! Taken over an island nation, carved your face into the moon, finally invented hover-skateboards!  ANYTHING, man!  And this is what I got-

This thing

We’ve changed, George – you, and me, and my wallet. Gone are the days when it will just open its bi-fold for you anytime you feel frisky. I need something more than a mere shadow of what we once had — I need the real deal – I need a Darth Vader thats evil because he’s a fucking bad-ass, not because he’s a whiny 20 year-old with a crush. I need a hot heroine who will strip down, not run into Sherwin Williams to touch up her makeup. I need a rough-around-the-edges smuggler type who’s willing to gamble everything for the girl. I need a Boba Fett that isn’t the unadulterated brother of every storm trooper in the galaxy. I need Jedi who don’t lay down and die when an old man jumps over a table at them. (Really, I thought they were fucking JEDI).

But just when I thought you had hit rock bottom, when I thought there was no possible way you could screw the pooch any worse, you gave us all this-

Any guesses?

Ziro the Hutt. Jabba the Hutt's anglophone, transsexual cousin. Yeah, this is a real character. Honestly.

A quarter century and 4 billion dollars later and the best you can come up with is a transsexual-ish gay slug? What the hell, George? Let me get right to the all caps part, George Lucas – YOU SUCK. YOU ARE REALLY, REALLY, SO COMPLETELY AND IRREVOCABLY AWFUL.  EVERY IDEA YOU’VE HAD SINCE DARTH VADER HAS BEEN A STEAMING, RANCID PILE OF DIARRHEA-TRASH. You think you’d be where you were if you had pitched Howard-the-fucking-Duck to Twentieth Century Fox before Star Wars? Can you name one character you’ve created in the past 25 years who hasn’t sucked ass? Mace Windu (Samuel L Jackson? SERIOUSLY)? Count Dooku? Short stack from the Indy movies?  Here’s a tip, asshole  – FILM A MOVIE WITHOUT CG AND IT MIGHT NOT MAKE SOME PART OF ME DIE.

So, George Lucas, I just want you to know that we are done and I’m over you and I don’t want you calling anymore or writing me or sending me your catalogues or trying to convince me that R2 can fly because we all no that makes no goddamn sense. I don’t want us to forget the good times we had, but seriously, we’re done now. I can’t put myself through this anymore. So please, don’t try to contact me or my money, we don’t want to talk to you.

Until you make a Ziro the Hutt figure. I’ll probably still buy that.

For all the haters out there – – Hate On!

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4 Responses to George Lucas is the Devil

  1. Steve says:

    I think I remember this post…

  2. Col. Taylor says:

    You remember an inferior version of this post on an inferior site. This is far improved.

    All Hate is acceptable here at EPH.

  3. Sarah Goode says:

    “He’s pure dag-nasty evil”

  4. Sarah Goode says:

    “He’s pure dag-nasty evil”

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