All Hail Bertha Heyman!

It is my honor to present our first female predator: “Big” Bertha Heyman.

Predator or Pre-dater?

Bertha Heyman

Bertha was a con woman back in the 1880s. What makes her such a predator? She was no simple con artist. She specialized in getting men to fall in love with her and then took their money. This might not seem like anything special but here’s what makes her special: she was by no means an attractive women. Now you may look at the above depiction and say, “Well, she isn’t too bad looking.” But feast your eyes on an actual photograph of Ms. Heyman:

One heck of a woman...

The Real Bertha

I know what you are thinking, “Someone named ‘Big Bertha’ was unattractive? That umpossible!” One book from the time period describes her as a “very stout woman. Height, 5 feet 4 1/2 inches. Weight, 245 pounds.” Clearly Bertha was not only a predator but also someone who loved to eat…

Despite her appearance she was still able to get men to give her money.  That, dear reader, is a predator of the highest calibre.

Now I know you may be thinking, “Well, in the past larger women were seen as attractive.” To which I retort, “I don’t remember asking you a goddamn thing!” Don’t make me come over there. If you could see me now I would be looking at you. And I would be looking at you ragefully. You don’t want me to look at you ragefully.

Do not look directly at the rage


Anyway, back to Bertha. How did she get the money from the men? Well, in addition to simply wooing them, she pulled a variation of the Nigerian Scam. She would tell men that she had a rich husband she was trying to divorce or some land she owned and just needed some money until she could get access to her rich husband’s money or sell the land.

Not even getting arrested would stop our girl Bertha. One time while incarcerated she managed to convince a prison guard to give her $1000! Don’t hate the player, hate the game!

Bertha could get this eagle to fall in love with her

Please refrain from hating

As if that weren’t enough, read this quote from Bertha: “I take no pride in overvailing a fool. The moment I discover a man’s a fool I let him drop,” (presumably in a fashion as if to indicate said man were of a quite high temperature, or hot, if you will) “but I delight in getting into the confidence and pockets of men who think they can’t be ‘skinned.; It ministers to my intellectual pride.” She claimed not to “care a white” for money as money alone, but she liked to get it” and she claimed that once she got the money she gave away most of it to the poor. She was the Robin Hood of her time! She was a predator not because she was born one but because she wanted to be one. She was a predator for the love of the predation!

Clearly, Ms. Heyman was one of the finest Predators not only of her time, but of all time. Bertha, we salute you.

I may be pickin' but I ain't grinnin'


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3 Responses to All Hail Bertha Heyman!

  1. Dr. Zaius says:

    Goddamn, that is one rageful stare!

  2. Dr. Zira says:

    Yes, please refrain for hating, indeed. That should be left to professionals like us.

  3. Sarah Goode says:

    Bertha puts the “b” in Bitchin’…and would that be a Hee Haw salute?

    p.s. I’m patiently awaiting a relentless Apocolyptic-like hate rant on Stephenie Meyer.

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