I Hate Your Girlfriend

Dude—I hate your girlfriend.  And so does everyone else.  We were all trying not to say anything, because you won’t shut up about how much you think that she ‘may be the one,’ but enough is enough.

First of all, dude, doesn’t she have any pants?  I mean, how many pairs of those black leggings does she own?  If I wanted to see her labia everyday, I would date her.  Except that I never would.  Because she’s awful.

But maybe I am being too harsh.  After all, she does have some of those radioactive pink jogging pants that really set her apart.  And, if it is a slow day and I am bored, I can always read the adjectives on her ass.  Or stare at the eye-patch thong that extends four inches up her back, out of the joggers, when she bends over to pick up her watermelon lip gloss.

What I really like, though, are those larger-than-life-sized kitty slippers she sloshes around the house in.  Sure, they were once white and now look like someone mistook them for a suppository, but like she says, “Don’t talk about my Whiskers and Cuddles!   They’ll get you!”  And then she pushes them in my face.  How did she know that I love bacteria and the smell of filth?

I shouldn’t be surprised, I guess, about the slippers, because she does seem to love furry footwear.  After all, she wears those Uggs everywhere, doesn’t she?  I am sure that your parents appreciated her never-lift-her-feet shuffling-about in those bad boys during your grandfather’s wake. At least she wore the dress jeggings, eh?


But I am harping on her clothing, as if that is the main problem with her.  In fact, there are so very many other things that mark her as a horrible human being.  Like her first-year psychology breakdown of every episode of How I Met Your Mother.  Oh yeah?  Barney is clearly sublimating his mommy issues by sleeping with all of those women?  And the whole group uses alcohol as a coping device to mask the fact that their peer cohort is dysfunctional?  Great.  I’m about to watch Law & Order – she wanna tell me about how her Intro to Law professor once told her that the show is ‘largely misrepresentative’ of actual courtroom procedure?

The face of Psych 101.

Still, though—at least when she is misquoting Jung or talking about how much she loves the feminism of “Gloria Steinberg,” that distracts her from hanging all over us and telling us how much she loves the fact that she can be so close to your friends.  Dude, her perception of reality is worse than that salmon breath she flame-throws all over the living room.  I mean, surely, you cannot be blind to the veritable trunk-load of evidence that tells you that you are with a despicable person!

Is this because of Misty?  Listen: just because that cheating skank hurt you does not mean that you should latch on to the first ridiculous debacle that shows you some affection.  You deserve better, man, and you need to send this beast a-packing.  I’m telling you–wake up, dude, because if you don’t, it’s gonna be just you, her, Whiskers and Cuddles, cause we’ll be gone.

Also, dude, she’s a wicked slut.  I totally banged her at your g-dad’s wake.

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One Response to I Hate Your Girlfriend

  1. Col. Taylor says:

    Excellent case study of the empowered woman

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