EXTREME Food…?

Remember when fads would come and go?  No Fear T-shirts didn’t last long did they?  Once K-Mart started carrying the No Fear line the trend died out almost overnight.  If you’re wearing one of these shirts right now you should kick your own ass.  So tell me why has the trend of being EXTREME not died out?

I’m only going to touch on one facet of this topic.  Believe me, it can be revisited at any time.  I can recall a time when anything EXTREME was considered what you were only looking death in the eye or risking serious injury.  Being EXTREME is to go beyond one’s own physical limits. “Hey Scrub Ape, what happened to you?”  “I shattered my spine after I jumped off the mall roof landing feet first with my body rigid and knees locked.”  Thank you Dan Cortese and MTV Sports for starting all of this shit.  So what the hell is up with EXTREME food!?

The bandana never left!

First of all EXTREME food is gross.  On the side of each of these products should have a warning stick man with a bleeding colon.

A rendition of said label.

Let’s be serious here.  Typically the only difference is the amount of artificial flavoring and/or salt.  Mixing the flavors of ranch with buffalo wing is definitely does not make a chip EXTREME.  If we were going to make gross EXTREME flavors I believe an experiment would be more along the lines of bile and dog shit.  Let’s see someone swallow that.  Now that maniac would have performed an EXTREME feat and gained my respect.  I’d shake that idiot’s hand and let them punch me in the face.

An EPH exclusive flavor.

I can hear you saying, “But I like my Sour Patch Extreme candy.”  Fuck you.  You’re part of the problem.  The only reason why this crap exists is because idiots like you have bought into the idea.  When you bite into that Sour Patch candy do you say something like, “GOD DAMN!  I ALMOST BLACKED OUT!”  I submit NOT.  Instead consider the idea that your pancreas just winced. The experience you just had was one of disappointment.  There was no adrenaline high or change in your life.  My advice to you is to get off your ass and do something before diabetes claims your foot or you’ll be taking advice from Wilford Brimley X.

EXTREME.

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4 Responses to EXTREME Food…?

  1. Dr. Zaius says:

    i kinda like the “flavor blasted” goldfish. “sabor explosivo” in spanish.

    • Scrub Ape says:

      I assume that’s because there was no other way to get the flavor into those little crackers. I warn you. Come around me while eating a bag of those crackers and you’ll limp away.

  2. Dr. Zira says:

    Wilford Brimley as great jugs for a man his age. Diabetes may claim his feet. But, it’ll never get his tits!

  3. Pingback: Predation 101 | eat, prey, hate

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