Anyone familiar with me knows that I love the candy. It is a part of me. It is one of my few raisons d’etre. However, I’ll tell what are not a part of me, what will never be a part of me, what make me die a little each time I see them in the candy aisle of the late winter supermarket: Peeps.
Fuck a peep.
First of all, how is this shit candy? Get the fuck off my aisle, Peeps. You are an impostor. I guess if you cover any rubbery piece of disgusting crap with sugar, it now qualifies as candy? Bullshit. A marshmallow and some colored sugar do not a candy make. And you should know better, Just Born, Inc. You make Mike and Ikes and Hot Tamales! Don’t spit in my face and tell me it’s raining. That shit ain’t candy.
Also, Peeps taste like stale butt. Who wants to eat a package of marshmallows covered in crunchy-ass sugar? Dumbasses, that’s who. And it’s those same dumbasses who are gonna come after me because of this post. “The Peep is great,” they’ll say. “You just don’t like good things!”
Again, bullshit. There is nothing good about Peeps. Granted, I salute Just Born for their brilliant packaging job. What does a 5-pack of Peeps run these days, like $1.29? At least a dollar, for sure. For 5 marshmallows. Five. Never mind that you can get about 100 marshmallows a few aisles over — NOT IN THE CANDY SECTION– for about 2 bucks. “But the texture!” people say. “The sugar! The bunny and chick shapes!” Tell you what– get a bag of marshmallows, leave them open for about a month, cover them in some sand, and you got yourself a butt-ton of “slug” Peeps for a fraction of the cost. Enjoy.
Finally, these little fuckers are such instigators of discord! I should not even be typing this post, but these things just make me so mad! And it’s not just me– every single year around Easter, the battle-lines are drawn between Peep-heads and sane people. This is a time for American goods to gloss over our cultural and religious differences and all celebrate the resurrection of our Lord and Savior. Should we really be so consumed with such minutia as marshmallow chicken infants? This is why the world hates us, people!
Man, damn. Fuck a Peep.