Chris Hansen Ain’t Got Time to Bleed

I’m sure you’re familiar with Dateline’s To Catch A Predator, affectionately known as TCAP to its fans. It’s this great little show where Chris Hansen and a Dateline crew collaborate with various civilian watchdog groups to lure and humiliate online sexual predators before ultimately turning them over to law enforcement. It. Is. Awesome. And while, we here at Eat Prey Hate are wholly on board with TCAP mission, we would like to take a moment to ask – who’s the real predator here?

Don’t get us wrong. We celebrate figurative predation. The drive, the intensity, the general badassery of those who bleed only on their own timetable. The sad pervy little men using the Interwebs to find unsuspecting children to molest – such people are unworthy of the title “predator.” But, Chris Hansen, now, that’s a completely different story. Chris Hansen predates the shit outta those so-called “predators.”


Picture of the alien from Predator

It’s not like "69_so_fine" is actually this guy.

You see, those so-called Internet “predators” aren’t really predators at all. They are more like retarded gazelles that stumble away from the herd following the allure of underage sex, sweet tea, and chocolate chip cookies.  And Chris Hansen takes ‘em down like a well-tailored honey badger ripping into a beehive.  (That is, with style and ease.)

Picture of Chris Hansen


Consider the following:

Chris Hansen is without mercy in the face of wrongdoing. Go ahead, “predators.” Tell him how you have a wife and kids. Tell him you have a well-respected job in the community, like school-teacher or Rabbi (really happened). It’s like blood in the water. He’ll stare you down with that steely gaze and ask you what said wife, kids, or community would think of your runnin’ around tryin’ to fuck little kids. Except, he’ll do it way smoother than that, because he’s Chris Hansen.

Chris Hansen is unflappable. You can’t flap him. Try. Go ahead, perfect_buddy_ga. Explain to him you think sleeping with a 13-year-old virgin would be the “cleanest best pleasure.” Do your worst, crazytrini85. Strip naked upon entering a complete stranger’s house after asking a 14-year-old girl to have sex with her cat while you watch.  See what happens.

I’ll tell you what happens.

Chris Hansen just looks at that dude and, calm as can be, tells him to wrap a towel around his naughty bits and sit his ass down. Chris Hansen don’t care.

Chris Hansen confronts Perve

Note the so-called “predator’s” submissive posture and averted gaze as Hansen, in a completely matter-of-fact way, asks, “You were going to make this 14 year-old girl perform a sex act on a cat?”

Chris Hansen loom over Perc

Told you. Cookies.


That is some cold-ass predatory shit right there. You know why? ‘Cause Chris Hansen is at the top of the food chain. Recognize.

Post-script: In light of such outstanding predation, I submit that the casting Adrienne Brody in Predators was gravely misguided. Chris Hansen clearly needs more formidable prey.

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5 Responses to Chris Hansen Ain’t Got Time to Bleed

  1. Dr. Zaius says:

    goddamn. /this post/ takes predation to a whole new level. chris hansen ain’t got shit on zira! sometimes the recognition of predation is the best predation. /that/ is a lesson that readers will soon learn.

  2. Steve says:

    Damn I’m starting to like this blog!

  3. Col. Taylor says:

    Entrapment? get that shit outa here! Out here we call it /hunting/

  4. Dr. Zira says:

    I’m just glad Zaius approves.

  5. Pingback: And we have a winner! | eat, prey, hate

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